KOPP and KOV are Dutch abbreviations used in mental health care. KOPP stands for “children of parents with psychological problems.” KOV stands for “children of parents with an addiction.
If you grew up with a parent who struggled with mental health problems or addiction, you may have had to take care of your parents instead of the other way around. When that happens, your own development and needs often move into the background. It is not surprising that this shapes how you see the world if home was not a warm and safe place to grow up, but a place where you had to endure, stay alert, manage what was happening around you, and carry more than a child should have to carry. In that case, you may be living with the effects of developmental trauma. It is completely understandable if it now takes a great deal of effort to shape your own life — in areas such as taking care of yourself physically and mentally, maintaining a job or healthy relationships, standing up for yourself, or even recognising what you need.
KOPP/KOV
If you grew up as the child of a parent with mental health problems or addiction, there may have been things you missed that you deserved to receive. As an adult, you may still find yourself running into challenges that others around you do not always recognise. Much of the extra effort and inner struggle this requires often remains invisible to the outside world. That can feel very lonely.
authentic self, and learn to make choices that truly fit who you are. Even if a certain sensitivity remains, you can still become the person you might have been. And you don’t have to do that alone. It’s okay to ask for support along the way.
What is KOPP/KOV exactly?
What happened then and there?
In an ideal situation, you grow up with two loving parents who give you the space and support to develop into your own person. But when parents are psychologically vulnerable, things can unfold differently.
Some parents struggle to let their child separate from them and keep the relationship overly fused. In that kind of dynamic, a child can feel suffocated and may not develop a strong sense of autonomy. Other parents allow independence, but fail to provide a secure emotional base to return to, which can leave a child feeling uncertain and alone. Sometimes these patterns alternate unpredictably, leaving a child without a stable foundation. Having to constantly adapt to a parent’s needs, combined with this unpredictability, can shape a child’s attachment patterns. It may lead to wounds around autonomy and connection, making it harder later in life to know who you are, what you want, and what healthy boundaries and relationships look like.
What happens in the here and now?
If you grew up as a KOPP/KOV child, it is already a great achievement that you developed ways to cope with the situation you were in. The strategies you used helped you survive. But the patterns that once protected you — such as giving too much to others, withdrawing from people, or numbing yourself — may no longer help you now. In fact, these coping strategies can sometimes contribute to physical or mental difficulties. There is often still much to discover: who you are, what you want, and how to make choices and build relationships that truly fit you. Experiences from the past can also influence how you react in the present. Old triggers may shape your responses, which can make relationships more complicated when others are unintentionally drawn into wounds that were formed long ago. The good news is that you do not have to remain on the sidelines of your own life. You can learn to live it more fully, with more awareness, choice, and connection.
Get to know yourself
To understand the landscape within you: what wounds you carry, where they come from, how old you were when they formed, and what you truly needed at that time. And from there, to learn how you can care for those parts of yourself now. It can also be helpful to gain some orientation along the way: how development works, how attachment styles shape us, what psychological trauma actually is, and how to begin recognising its traces in your own life. Alongside this, Somatic Experiencing and Polyvagal exercises allow us to work directly with the tension that may still be stored in the body.
Am I even KOPP/KOV?
Many people read something like this and think: “It wasn’t that bad for me.” And that may well be true. But sometimes that reaction also comes from loyalty to your parents, or from not yet wanting to look too closely at how difficult things may actually have been. You don’t have to dislike your parents in order to explore the ways in which their actions — or the things they couldn’t give — may still affect you today. You can recognise their limitations and understand that they may not have been able to do better. At the same time, that doesn’t change the fact that you may have been hurt, and that you are still dealing with the consequences. And that deserves care. It is something you are allowed to take seriously — and something you are allowed to ask support for.
Some people only realise later in life that their childhood was not as safe or as nurturing as they once believed. But it is just as understandable if you find yourself struggling earlier in life because of the upbringing you did — or did not — receive. Wherever you find yourself in that process, you are welcome here.